a parody by Mark Kearney
written for the annual meeting of
the Professional Writers Association of Canada
based on the song, Anything Goes, written by Cole Porter
In olden days our English grammar
Was looked on as having glamour
But now, who knows.
Good writers then could parse our sentences.
Now there's just so much negligence
In their prose.
Our mother tongue's bad today
And what's sad today
When lie's swapped with lay
Or it's "can" for "may"
And I have to say
That it's not okay
To watch English decompose.
And though I'm not the greatest writer,
I'll take on the role of fighter,
And I'll oppose
At magazines that misuse commas
Or colons, they break a promise,
So I propose
That they all close.
And all those hacks who like to revel
In language that's Grade 3 level
They must suppose
But if it's words you like,
But you don't like like,
When it's, like, you know
Overused and so
It is no bon mot
And it's the death blow
To our English status quo
So when you're using prepositions
Nouns, verbs in your compositions,
Please strike some blows
At anything goes.
© 2006 Mark Kearney
Mark Kearney's humor has appeared in many magazines and newspapers, including Stitches.
Reach him at: email@example.com, or through www.triviaguys.com